This is a post for my friends. They ought to know whats going on.



I have been quite inactive with the LJ communities for the last 4 or so months. In the beginning it wasn't my fault. My computer crashed and i consequently lost my 'at reach' internet access. I got my new computer end of feb/start of march, as soon as i could came back to LJ. 

However i realised much had changed in such a short time. As PA became filled with more and more immature girls, i posted and visited it less (after being an active member for over 2 years), and joined ed_seriously  -  the community name says it all. I had friends, many were very close, and i visited and posted daily. Sometimes too often. It was a big part of my (secret) life.

But seems alot of people that i was close to are now scattered. Some left, some not responding, others over lj.

I dont know if i want to leave entirely. I think my time has ended in the communities, but my journal may still stay up. I haven't decided that as yet. Maybe i'll still need it.

However, I have definately been enjoying the break from Lj. Maybe constantly posting as been keeping me depressed... keeping me in the same state of mind. But being in the 'real world' forces me to stay happy - well even if its just an act half the time.

I have been continuing on the Effexor-XR that my doc prescibed. He doesn't know that i dont take it everyday - even though i should be. I just forget to... or just cant swallow the damn tablet. But with these meds, and forcing myself to be more active in a social life, my mood seems to improving. I haven't cut in so long, infact i can't remember the last time i did. And the nightly vodka shots have ceased. Even though i still have the bottle...

Despite all this, i am still obsessed with my weight, still obsessed with calories, food and all the rest of that stuff.
I occasionally B/P..um but its not as frequent. The less i purge, the harder it is - which i guess in a way is helping me recover.
I'm not actively planning from recovering from my ED, i am NOT ready for that in any sense, but i am trying to be happier. 
I just want to be happy. 


So, although i am not sure at this point, i may continue to post in my journal. I want to keep in contact in contact with my close friends - Shells, Courtney, Abby - etc you know who you are.

If anyone comments this - i still get email notifications and i WILL respond.

For now
I'm out.

Love,
           Dee  xo

My last entry... all the way back in october... how time as flown by.

Well a quick update -  my computer crashed in october, and EVERYTHING got screwed up, um so it has practically taken me this long to get a new one. The other practically got thrown out.

So i haven't visited ed_s, or any lj community in a while. I'm kinda scared to go back to ed_s, i'm not sure who is still around.

Health wise, i've lost a couple of kgs, I lose my appetite, then binge, then lose appetite again etc. But only pruged once in all this time. It could have been worse. My doctor has started me on new meds called Effexor-XR and i've been diagnosed with 'anxiety disorder'. No suprise there. Still no boyfriend, although i did meet this gorgeous guy at DFO. But then i got shy and kinda left. I hope is still works there.

Uni starts next week. For the first time i actually might be looking forward to it. I'm still repeating old subjects that i haven't passed. Um.. i've lost my scholarship which hurt me deeply, but i'm so happy that i haven't been kicked out of uni. Thats the most important thing right now. A hecs debt i can deal with later.

At around 20th of march i move out for 6 weeks!! This will be totally amazing for me. My friend and i will be housesitting for this guy who is going away for work, the place is in an awesome suburb filled with hippies musos weirdos and i'm sure to fit right in! If only it was permanent *sigh*

Ok time to check out the state of the community.....

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak.  
Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

*sigh*

Last night slept in a pool of nightmares. Thats not exactly sleep right? I woke up 2, maybe 3 times in sweats. Then this morning my sister's crazy phone alarm woke up eveyone in the house before 7am.
I walked over to the couch with my doona..thinking that i might be able to wake up properly after some morning tv-watching, but it didn't work. I felt...drugged. (And i haven't taken any for days so that obviously isn't the reason). I was falling in and out of sleep - unable to properly open my eyes. 
Mum noticed and said i should stay home from uni. I was hoping she would say it. For some reason it feels ok when she gives me permission to not go to uni, but when i make that decision i feel like a slack and lazy person.

I fell asleep on the couch a bit more. Its 1.48pm right now and i still have no energy. I dont want to clean my room, or get my eyebrows done at 2.30pm, or have any breakfast.

I'm glad gran didn't come over to our place today. I love her more than anything, but i just HAD to be alone.

Back to the couch. To maybe sleep somemore. The nightmares dont haunt me during the day.

If i kill myself, i wont be around to see all the pain i've caused. 
But the biggest pain inside me will end. 
I am not a selfish person in this world.. but i might just have to be. Just once.

I can't.. i just cannot.
Not anymore.
Let me go. Its to hard to breathe..

oh my gosh...

HAHAHA

75% of the posts on Proanorexia dont get comments.
Makes me laugh.  So much for 'support'!

Woke up at 10.01am. My shift began at 10am! BLOODY SNOOZE BUTTON!!!!
So i called work and said i'll be 15mins late.
Hence no time for breakfast.

When i got back home, realised i forgot the house keys ...and no one is home to let me in. I parked my car in the garage and hung out there till someone got home.
Thats when it got bad.
We have an extra fridge in the garage (usually filled with beer and other grog) and i was thirsty, hoping to find some water. But i also found chocolate. 
I lost control. Within 10 mins i had consumed 818 calories.
Its been like an hour since (i am inside now hehe) but my stomach is still hurting. It took lots of effort but i didn't purge it. I WILL NOT START FUCKING PURGING AGAIN! sorry about the language - i had to say it.

I'm calmer now, but i still feel gross.
<3

Vodka for dinner.
mmmmm,  nice.

My gran is going overseas for 3 months. I am moving into her house for 3 months. YES NO MORE NAGGING ANNOYING PARENTS! I seriously need a break from them. Ever since mum has been working from home its been hell!
And my sister is being a total bitch again. 

The worst part will be moving back home in 3 months.......
Or maybe i wont! Depends on my money situation.

18 days till i get out of this house!

>Dee<

 Last saturday was a very interesting night.
3 girls my age, and 4 mothers, the lot of us went to see a show called 'Manpower'. As the name suggests its about protein-packed muscley men dancing (and not very well either!) and stripping on stage. It was a fun girls night out. 
But the main thing i want to mention is..

Before the show, we all went out for dinner. Being a vegetarian, the only thing available on the menu for me was a salad. BOOHOO! poor me haha
Anyway..
Jade started telling us that a girl from her highschool committed suicide on Friday  (the day before). I was thinking..oh no i hope this conversation doesn't last too long.
Apparently this girl's lover just broke up with her, and she hung herself the next day. 
One woman said  'Many girls that age dont know how to handle stressful events like that'
Another woman said 'There are most likely other underlying reasons that she did it, not just the break up.'
Jade said 'Yea and that was probably just the final straw.'
Someone asked ' Had she been talking about suicide?'
Jade replied 'Not really, i was never that close to her, but she seemed fine. Although people who are serious about killing themselves dont talk to anyone about it.'
Samantha said 'Yea the ones who keep saying they will are just doing it for attention'

FUCK! this stupid conversation went on and on and on.

Jade said 'I saw her mum was screaming and crying. It was a scary sight'
I had a quick look at my mum. Her face went sour. Its as if she felt sorry for the girl's mother. 
I felt pain inside me. I wanted to hug mum and never let her go. She has no idea that she might be living that one day.

THE WHOLE TIME I WAS STARING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, NOT SAYING A WORD, AND SIPPING ON MY WATER!
TRYING INCREDIBLY HARD TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS!

Finally the  topic was changed, we all went back to chatting eating gossiping and laughing.
All was forgotten.

Looking back at past journal entries, i have realised that i didn't write down when i was feeling happy. It only lasted about 3 or so weeks (in late august) but it was such a great feeling. I thought there might be a chance to escape from this horrible depression. Deep inside i knew it wouldn't last that long.. then then again it could have. I should have posted it - i need a positive post in my journal. Oh well - mental note for next time happiness comes along Dee.

Other thoughts:

*ED on track i guess.. still losing although i have been trying to eat 'normally' but i can only get to about 800cals before i cant eat anymore. Is that as normal as it gets for me?

*Vaguely thought about what recovery would be like, but i was able to push those thoughts out of my mind very quickly

*Andrew (from my psych class) - saw him again today. Very briefly though, the class was cut short to 40 mins. And this other girl kept talking to him which pissed me off. I did my hair nice for him. Fuck i'm so pathetic stressing about how i look for a guy i barely know!! AND he has a gf on top of everything! Jeez what am i doing?? Looking for random things to obsess over maybe?

*Alex says he wants to see me. Its coming up to 12 months since we last saw each other or spoke in person. So one year since the massive fight where he and Vivian messed up my life. I miss him. I know when i see him my heart will be pounding VERY hard. But he has lots to answer for, so i will stay strong.

*A few of my real life friends are pissed off at me. They haven't outright said it, but i know they are because they wont answer my calls, or they give me one word answers and not attempt to make conversation with me. And next week i'm going on a weekend holiday to Sydney with these girls. Why the hell am i doing that??  I think its all because of the accomodation for Sydney. I don't care anymore. Fuck where is their maturity??

*Even this upsets me so much. Hardly any of my LJ friends will comment on this.. becasue they rarely comment on my journal anymore anyway. Abby? Shell? Lolly? Ali? Dee? Mav? 
Erin has been commenting, bless her xx

"Dee dinner's ready" great *rolls eyes* i'll stay in my room and drink water thank you very much.  

~Dee~

Damn.
Back to obsessive counting of calories consumend and calories burned. Its doing my head in. Torture.
Today - small low fat pudding 120 cals. water.

2 essays due next week, and i'm falling behind. Stressed.

On a better note- Going on a girls weekend to Sydney for 3 days in sept, with 3 close friends. I know i will have fun. I just need more money to pay for it... must work harder-must work harder for 2 more weeks.

Pluto needs a haircut. But i can't afford it. It saddens me to see him so uncomfortable.

The guy mentioned a few posts below. He has a name now. Andrew. Lives in Geelong. Is at uni the same days as me. He is gorgeous. And we now chat alot and are friends. But he has a girlfriend. Huge let down. Obviously i cant expect anything to happen at the moment.

My 21st.. coming up in Jan 2008. I DO NOT WANT A PARTY/CELEBRATION whatever. Mum is insisting on one. Her latest idea proposed to me today - bbq with family friends. Fuck that. I'm a vegetarian, no meat will be served at any party that i host! I said she can do her stupid bbq party. But i wont be there.
I want N.O.T.H.I.N.G. on my 21st. Why doesn't anyone understand that. Maybe dad will convince her to let it go. I dont have the confidence to have attention on me for a night. I dont want them to sing happy birthday. I wouldn't mind the presents hehe.. But yes i can do without their presents. I buy everything that i need anyway.
Argh i seriously will not turn up.

My stomach is empty - I am very happy at the moment.
Hunger pains - Punishment for upsetting my mum.

 Oh my gosh, what have i done?? I haven't purged in about 11ish months. In about half an hour i binged on chips then purged it now im shaking and cold and scared i also took some prescription codine tablets (not enought to do anything bad) i just need to numb my brain right now. I'm so scared i'll be stuck like this forever. Why did i purge..i was doing so well. I never wanted to purge again. I dont know if i want to be alone or be next to my best friend.
My stomach aches. And my eyes are blurry now.
HATING.EVERY.MOMENT.

Gah i feel so drained. I ate potato chips (the dry ones not fried) after my low fat dinner. Why the f*** did i do that? I dont bloody know. I bought it, and i ate it. And i feel incredibly sick. But i wont purge. I havent purged for a year im not going to start again.

Mum asked me what  want from McDonalds. I said that i didn't want anyhting..
I cant handle anymore food right now, especially that disgusting stuff.

The odd/funny thing is that i feel incredibly full and sick (due to the chips), but its a pleasant feeling. Probably becuase its a 'nice' well deserved punishment. I dont know, i cant figure out my warped mind right now. My own thoughts confuse me!

Tomorrow is the coctail party. The one ive been stressing about for 2 weeks. But i have a dress, its cute and i feel good in it. The only problem is i wont be able to drink tomrw night as im designated driver :(  Thats ok, i'll be fine.

Just wanted to share my current thoughts. 
Dee   xxx

My stomach is SCREAMING. And it hurts too. But i Will not eat..
ps - my anxiety is back.      oh no..   :(

Also my male friend Yin came over to my place the other day. (just a friend nothing more!) Anyway he wanted to go thru my pictures on my computer. I could NOT let him, hundreds of thinspo are on it. Instead i showed him my 'tats and peircings' pic folder. AND somehow a near-emaciated pic of a random girl had crept into that folder. He saw it. Luckily i was able to change the subject before he had time to think.

Hmm what else...

Today he talked to me. I say 'he' because i dont know his name..yet! He's in my psychology tutorial, and i have the biggest crush on him. But he hadn't noticed me for 4 weeks. Until today. I guess i looked more appealing or somehting today. But I saw him eyeing me and he spoke to me a few times while doing a class experiment. I was so happy. I cant explain it. I havent felt like this in a long time.. I just KNOW he kept looking at me with the corner of his eye. I pretended not to notice. I always do that..and limit my opportunities : /  On top of all that, the 2hour tute was only cut down to 30mins!! I could have spoken to him longer.. but when the experiment ended the tute ended. Oh well.   It will be exactly 7 days until i see him in my next psych tute. And i cannot wait. I want to speak to him again. I want to get to know him. I want him to get to know me.

Dee

(ps this is not the same guy Nick who i met at a club a couple of weeks ago -ie not the guy i mentioned in a few posts back..he never contacted me......)

"Not that the numbers mean too much to me... as long as im not eating im happy. Weight loss is just a symptom from what makes me happy." (quote by tommorow008 )


Finally someone else feels the same way i do. Thats why i never understand when people list gw1 gw2 gw3 etc im thinking wtf i never have any of those! I just dont want to eat, and i lose weight bc of that reason, in turn makes me happy.
Also i dont get it when girls go on a 'fast' as if its some religious thing. I call it 'not eating' ie anorexia. Just odd how diff people percieve things.

Or maybe i'm the weird one..

I haven't really counted any cals since i got back from holiday 2ish weeks ago. No thats a lie, i've occasionaly counted what cals of what i was eating at the time, but haven't worked out totals.
Anyway i've dropped 2kgs (4lbs) in the past 2 days. I'm happy, i've broken my plateau.
I've lost my appetite again. I've been going on white wine, soup, and fruits for a few days. I just dont feel like anything.  

On sat night i met someone. Well sort of met someone. I  dont know. I haven't been in the whole dating scene for a while (apart from random flings)  
I cant be bothered writing about that night right now, i will tonight maybe.

In 2 weeks is the coctail party. I want to lose what i can. I desperately need to. And since i've broken my plateau i think i will continue to lose.

My friend was asking me for some diet tips. She's also going to the coctail party and wants to lose a couple of kilos. Maybe she doesn't 'want' to lose weight  though. Not truely. She is overweight however, and does complain about it regurlary. Like i said to her,  for dinner just have a salad. She said 'what else next to it?'. I said no just a salad. So you dont have to digest much at nights. SHh goes 'ohh no i love food too much i need to eat at night' It pissed me off. She asks for advice then doesn't even try to use it. Then i said she should eat a bit more at lunch, and not have to eat so much at night. She didnt like that idea. meh.
Some people just dont care that much about losing weight, even if they are slightly overweight. I dont remember the last time i was ever happy about my weight  *sigh*

Fuck this. I am just having soup for a while.

Argh the kitchen downstairs REEKS!!!
I have no idea what the fuck dad is cooking but it smells revolting. And i had a huge fight with dad before about some random shit, so at least he wont expect me downstairs. I'm not going to leave my room tonight, i have also blocked the gap under my door so the smell doesn't seep thru.

I have a strong feeling that the scale in mum's bathroom is wrong. Mum went to the dietician, and apparently weighed less there than what the scale at home shows. Also my clothes feel looser on me, but the scale doesn't agree. I'm going to buy a new scale.

Ahh being jetlagged is a bitch!

Well having the house empty for 5 weeks has really emptied out the fridge.. grandma has thrown away everyhting past its use-by-date.
So last night mum and I went grocery shopping. :) Finally a kitchen not packed with shit food. We bought lots of veggies and tofu (oh i've missed my tofu) and got a few of those weight watchers meals. 

So i'm planning on trying to increase my metabolism by doing that 5 small meals during the day thing.. ill eat just enough not to get pains in my stomach.
And during the holiday i've gotten out of my counting-calories mode, i dont want to be obsessed with cals anymore.

Finally i have enough time to write an entry!
I haven't even had a chance to check out whats happening in the community.

Right now i'm in Prague, up on the 8th floor of the Hilton. 
We have been walking EVERYWHERE for the past 12 days, and i haven't been eating much either, only to keep my energy levels up. We have a scale in the bathroom but i'm too afraid to weigh myself. As everyone has commented that i've lost weight, i just dont want to go on the scales and be disappointed. Maybe on the last day in Prague (3days time)

I just have to mention the French. We stayed in Paris for 4 days, seriously i haven't seen a city packed with skinnier people. The men, the women, young or old, they are all so fucking skinny!! I was so sad to walk to streets of Paris, i felt ashamed of myself, i felt like a whale. I only saw about 3 or 4 'normal' sized females.. meh they were proabably tourists anyway.
Maybe its because there are no American franchises in France. I only saw 2 Maccas and 1 Subway. It was good to get away from all the junk ads anyway.

Everyone in europe smokes. Its disgusting!!!  I saw advertisements of cigarettes, i dont know when i last saw that back in Australia. Must've been a few decades ago!

Peace and out

Dee  xxxxxxxooooooooo

Ok this is my last entry before i leave to Europe. I will update my journal occasionally.
5 weeks 8 countries here i come!!!

Love you all   xxxxxxxx

Just something to boost your metabolism.
I will try it out when i get back to Australia.

250ml of water
2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar

Mix, and drink 3 times a day.

Hey tastes gross apparently but there is no harm trying it out.   xx

Its so funny, my 12yr old sister knows i have an obsession with bones. Apparently i comment on stick thin people and how beautiful they are, without even realising i'm saying it!! 
Then yesterday she was going thru my ipod, and theres a video playlist named 'Catwalk' She nearly opened it but i was able to stop her (it was just of tiny models on the runway, and one thinspo vid) Anyway she said to me 'Don't worry i know its of skinny people, you are obsessed with bones on girls'!!! I can't believe my baby sister said that to me. I shamely said 'no i'm not......'

Just changed my display pic. I got a bit bored of the other one.
This is me..with an overgrown fringe haha.  No one will be able to recognize me thats why its a double bonus :)

I leave for Europe in 3 days. First stop is to Paris,  thats a 23 hour flight!!
From there  to Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Hungary,  Chezh Republic, Turkey and Singapore. I'm really looking forward to it, i love travelling. I'm not sure if the family (four of us) can live so closely together for 5 weeks... argh but we'll see. There will definately be a few fights haha. 
No packing done yet. But have done LOTS of shopping. I have spent hundreds of $ on new clothes and accesories, and yes now i'm broke :p

Well i was very excited this week. As i was going to experience my first blood donation to the blood bank. I thought finally i can do something to help someone in my pathetic existence. I made the appointment for Friday at 10.30am. So i went there, all happy and ready to give 500mls of me. First - fill out the 4 pages of questionaire. Done.  Second -  wait for the Nurse. Third -  talk to the nurse to ensure i'm eligible. My heamoglobin was fine, i had enough red blood cells. Then they found out about the car accident and the operations. Four years ago something horrible happened and i can't believe it is still haunting my life. The two nurses were a bit sceptical. So they called some doctor over the phone who knows NOTHING about me. 'She' was worried  that i wouldn't be able to cope with that much blood out of me coinciding with the general problems i have. Fuck. My GP said it was ok. I haven't taken regular meds for 3 weeks. But they said come back in 6 months and sent me off. 

I was nearly in tears in front of the nurses. 

If only they knew i didn't have 6 months.

So what did i do? Went to the bottle shop and bought 700ml of Vodka.

Why does alcohol always help?     *sigh*    I'm so upset.

If you crave this...	What you really need is...	And here are healthy foods that have it:
Chocolate	Magnesium	Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits
Sweets	Chromium	Broccoli, grapes, cheese, dried beans, calves liver, chicken
	Carbon	Fresh fruits
	Phosphorus	Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes, grains
	Sulfur	Cranberries, horseradish, cruciferous vegetables, kale, cabbage
	Tryptophan	Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweet potato, spinach
Bread, toast	Nitrogen	High protein foods: fish, meat, nuts, beans
Oily snacks, fatty foods	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
Coffee or tea	Phosphorous	Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes
	Sulfur	Egg yolks, red peppers, muscle protein, garlic, onion, cruciferous vegetables
	NaCl (salt)	Sea salt, apple cider vinegar (on salad)
	Iron	Meat, fish and poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries
Alcohol, recreational drugs	Protein	Meat, poultry, seafood, dairy, nuts
	Avenin	Granola, oatmeal
	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
	Glutamine	Supplement glutamine powder for withdrawal, raw cabbage juice
	Potassium	Sun-dried black olives, potato peel broth, seaweed, bitter greens
Chewing ice	Iron	Meat, fish, poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries
Burned food	Carbon	Fresh fruits
Soda and other carbonated drinks	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
Salty foods	Chloride	Raw goat milk, fish, unrefined sea salt
Acid foods	Magnesium	Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits
Preference for liquids rather than solids	Water	Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day.
Preference for solids rather than liquids	Water	You have been so dehydrated for so long that you have lost your thirst. Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day.
Cool drinks	Manganese	Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries
Pre-menstrual cravings	Zinc	Red meats (especially organ meats), seafood, leafy vegetables, root vegetables

http://www.naturopathyworks.com/pages/cravings.php 

Ok so i have been so fucking consumed with my own mind and my own fucked up problems for too long.
KEYWORDS:  "I" ,  "my"  and  "own"
see?

So i found this great program which will allow me to volunteer with disabled children and their families. I've been meaning on doing this for a few months.

I just emailed them and am eager to hear back and get some info.

Sounds exciting.  www.interchange.org.au  thats the website if anyone was curious.

Dee

Cooking is as gratifying as eating.
Minus the calories.

Well i decided to research on the cals in Absolut Vodka. Its the only vodka i drink anyway.

Per 30ml

Absolut Original Vodka  -  69 cals
Absolut Rasperri Vodka  - 69 cals
Absolut Mandarin Vodka  - 69 cals
Absolut Peach Vodka   -  69 cals
Absolut Citron Vodka  -  100 cals
Absolut Vanilla Vodka  - 69 cals
Absolut Limon Vodka  - 69 cals

hmm well not bad...

 I can't wait until next wednesday. Its payday on wed which means i will be able to buy vodka. I've been so depressed past few weeks and have had a huge craving for absolut vodka - i get the cravings especially at night. Some alcohol to numb my brain and mind should be good. 
Wednesday bring it on.

Sad.

I'm so lonely its pathetic.

I want to post pictures but i'm so ashamed. Maybe one day when i have fantastic before and afters. That'll show my success. And i will be happy. For once.

I'm going back and forth with my thoughts of ODing. 

On Thursday I had a HUGE breakdown. All alone in my house. It was around 2pm, and i just had a thought of telling my mum everyhting that has been happening in the past 3 years (because she knows none of it) And i had this weird fantasy/reality thing, i started telling [her], or practicing how i would tell her i guess. As i started listing it all of it - ED (b/p + restricting), cutting - to release all the pain inside me, failing all my subjects, no energy, wanting to quit uni, constant suicide thoughts.. and the suicide plan for august or september...
As i was listing them i started hysterically balling my eyes out. Its like she was there with me listening and understanding, and wanting to help. I was feeling all the emotions one would feel when getting something like this off their chest. But no, she wasn't there with me. She was at work. No one was with me. Then reality hit. I said all of it for nothing, wasted all that energy for nothing. 
I stopped crying and continued to sit on the couch numb staring into space for a little while longer.
Then i saw my baby (Pluto a Poodle) outside. As i called him inside i started crying again, he was so cute. He went completely mental kissing all the tears on my face. Poor thing he's the only one that has seen me in those situations.

Last week i felt some hope. That maybe if i could pass these subjects there might be some chance for me. I was actually reconsidering the S plan. But now its back. I want to do this more than ever. And have even stopped caring about what others would do/say/react. Its my life and i never asked for the life and i'm sick of it.

I'm so lost its incredible. 

Two of my friends (two of only a few close friends left) were begging me to come out tongiht. I am so not in the mood for it. The will be dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. I cant handle that anymore. Yes i am slowly giving up on everything. *sigh*
But i will go to one of the girl's place to help her get ready for tonight. Do her hair or something. I can handle being fake for an hour.

Dee

(Shells and Laura: i will write you a proper email as soon as i can find something to say. I love you both xx. 
Laura congrats on your puppy. It will be a good thing in your life)

Ok personally i think i am quite mature. I am 20 and have already been thru many life experiences. I've had to struggle with depression and SI and this ED all on my own - as i cant tell my family (i am protecting them, dont want to make them upset. Also so they dont think im a horrible failure of a child.)  I've been thru a head injury and a ton of complications came with that.

And what does mum say to me in the car? 
' YOU ARE NOT MATURE, YOU ARE STILL VERY CHILDISH BECAUSE YOU HAVE FOOD ISSUES AND YOU DONT LOOK AFTER YOURSELF'

WHAT THE F* * K???????????

I'm usually fasting, occasionally purging, or obsessively counting calories. Everyone is always at work they dont see that i dont eat when i'm at home. I'm crying typing writing this. The only time she's sees me eat is when i'm binging. I'm raiding the cupboards for food that i will just swallow down, but last night around 11pm i asked to take the car to get some hot chips. Mum and Dad both started yelling. I cant even writte down my emotions. 

I didn't end up getting the chips, found some low fat sakatas instead (LUCKY) but i just wish they would be more understanding.

MATURITY CANNOT BE MEASURED WITH WHAT YOU EAT!!!!
MATURITY ISN'T CONNECTED TO A DISEASE!

I just wish my heart would stop in my sleep so i can be free.

OK i think i've decided. I want to quit uni. Quit this stupid Arts Degree and my so called psych and criminology major. I fucking failing anyway.
I'm going to quit uni. And start studying Nursing. Somewhere else. I wanted to do nursing when i finished high school, but mum said no. Because i won't have a 'high salary. Pfft now i've wasted 2 yrs.

I have to act fast. And cant tell my family what i'm doing. I feel lost and need someone's help.

OK well i have decided that fasting is the way to go for me. I dont care if its water weight or whateer, but in 2 days of not eating i have lost 3 pounds. My stomach DOES look flatter. Whatever - i feel a bit better about getting just a little closer to where i want. 
Tomorrow is mothers day. We are going for breakky. Its buffet do i get to choose whatever i want to eat. I will eat. But then the fast is back on.
Until.. well unitl i cant fast anymore.
This is the easiest thing i've ever done.

Over 24 hours since i've eaten. I feel so refreshed. I think i'm back in control and i'm so happy.

I just finished watching 'The Notebook' movie. Wow. What an amazing love story. I can only hope that i can one day experience something beautiful like that.     *sigh*
I think i'll buy the movie for mum on Mother's Day.

OK day one of my fast. I'm feeling great right now (except for some nausea) but feeling empty is wonderful. I'm hangout more at uni for the distraction.
After a 4 day awful non-stop binge -- this is exactly what i need,

(Mum is planning on ruining my fast to try and stop me from 'yo yo dieting' - her words -  and making me a salad for dinner. i love salads, but thats not going to happen tonight!)


Dee

Why the FUCK do i binge after i see the scale go down?????

ARRGGHH